Just a Theory

I have this theory that I'm trying out about people and feelings and thoughts and conflict and ideas and situations and stuff. The story that I tell myself is that if I am seeking my path, and cultivating honest awareness with myself, and always letting go, that the people and thoughts and situations and feelings and stuff that are good and helpful will come into my life, and the people and situations and thoughts and feelings and things and stuff that are not good and helpful will fall out.

This is just a theory. One of my ongoing social experiments on myself.

Seeking the path.. I think means my intention. Maybe I wonder if it means something different to another person..  But to me it means the intention to build up (myself and others) ahead of any other personal goals.

Cultivating honest awareness.. I think I mean healing myself. Learning to look at my thoughts and feelings objectively and honestly. Learning what they are and where they came from. Maybe not even judging them or trying to change them. Just seeing thoughts and feelings for what they are. I think this might help me avoid the automatic jump from feeling/thought to defensiveness/blaming. I'm hoping it might make it possible for me to really hear and understand (myself and others).

Letting go..  There's a lot of letting go. Letting go of control is the big one. It is not my job to fix other people's problems. I don't know what's best for them. Their choices are not mine to make. That's huge right! That feeling deep down when I look at someone doing something I don't think is right. That solid feeling of being right. That is the control. I think.

And when I say letting go (of control or thoughts or habits) I don't really mean making myself not be doing that. I've tried that, it doesn't work. I think all that is required is awareness. Like "oh look there, I see you there, that solid feeling of being right." and just seeing it there and holding it in that place of stillness. It kinda takes care of itself. It falls off.

Maybe that's where my theory comes from.

But anyways, these ideas seem to come out all airy fairy and oversimplified, but end up being applied in interestingly specific ways. 

I'm trying it out to see what happens.

Sing the World Awake

*disclaimer* if anyone is actually still reading this..  I'm not sure if this blog is meant for human consumption.  Please read this the way you might watch a nature documentary. There is nothing good or bad here, just the process of this life, for what it's worth.

If someone asked me to describe my world view at this time they would probably find it strange. I tell my children that I believe we live in a dream, and that in this dream what we think becomes real . I'm not crazy. I know that we live in a world that is very real on many levels, but we operate on the level of what "seems"  to be. At this time, right now, this dream world of what "seems"  is enough for me to work with.

Last time I wrote here I decided to change the dream. I changed the context of my feelings and ended my depression. I had to wait a month at least to see if this was actually possible. My cycle has always had a way of really shaking my world. All I can say now is, so far so good. It seems like I may be able to use this very emotional time in my cycle to bring awareness and healing to my past instead of letting it pull me back into my past.

The thing is, I'm not sure who I am or what I'm doing here, but (secretly) I'm pretty sure that I'm following (or being drawn by, or carried by perhaps) something. All I know is that I can trust it and that there is nothing I want more than to go with it where it goes. All it asks is that I give up everything I think I know so that I can learn more and let it change me.

I'm not sure if I need to worship God or Jesus or Mary or Allah or if I need to pray or meditate or smudge or read tarot cards. I think the path for some lies there, for me I think those might turn into distractions. Who knows. That's not where I am right now at any rate.  I'm just right here. Wherever this is. It's good, but there is always growing in the being. Growing and learning.

There is always learning about letting go (it asks for everything you know). Right now it's letting go of control of other people. I can't change or even help other people. I do not actually know their path and what's best for them. At best all I can ever hope to do is be aware enough to be what a person needs right here and now. An ear, a hug, a kick in the butt. I can only hope to know what that is at the time if I put down all my ideas of what I think and listen to what is right here and now.

It "seems"  to be that love is always a safe bet though.

It's a lot like when my ladies were babies. I was not ever really making them fall asleep. That's impossible. The only one who could make them fall sleep was them (and even they had no conscious control over it). All I could ever do was give them the best conditions for sleep at the right time and then allow it to happen.

Sing them to sleep.

That is all I can do now for my loves.. For everyone. I'm not the one who decides when the time is right or even what the right conditions look like, but I think (believe maybe) that if I am aware I can play my best part and allow good things to happen.

Sing the world awake.