Letting go of Self

Today I learned that a dear sweet woman I know of will soon be moving (with her dear sweet husband) back to our fair city.  She is the mother of my best friend from growing up, and although I have not stayed close to her at all, she has changed the course of my life. 

At a time in my life when I was just beginning to understand the beauty and promise that the universe holds, and when I was beginning to get excited about who I was becoming and what I was learning, her words turned everything upside down. She said, basically, that it is all well and good to know ones self, but it is a far better thing to let go of self.

I had never herd this before. I was kind of let down. No, humbled. Because of course, she was right.  I had been swinging back and forth between self loathing and self worship.  I didn't know that there was another way. The Buddhists call it the middle path.

Standing on this middle path has become the steady place from where I look upon the world. I realize now that all those amazing thoughts I was having were not coming from me, but from the source.. From out there. I was just beginning to learn how to listen.  

It's easy, sitting inside and holding on to this self so tight, to feel so bad when you are offended or hurt. To be angry when things are not the way You think they Should be. But when there is no self.. The hurtful words can become useful information. You may not have know that you came across that way that time. Or maybe you will learn more about the moods and triggers of others. And you realize that there is no "way things should be".

This letting go of self is also my foundation of surrender. I realize now that I am so small. Too young and too short really :-) too young to have seen the long term. I am only just now beginning to notice my own cycles and starting to relax about things that happen and pass and happen again. How much more are the cycles of our lives, our planet, our cosmos? I will never know. Also I am too short. I cannot see how vast and wide is the universe. I cannot know how truly small and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. I cannot even see how much humility is in order.

When I see these things I want to become very still and quiet. I realize there is a part of me that has always known these things. Like an umbilical cord attaching me passively to all these greater things than I. It is this part that has always been sustaining and carrying me while my ego (my self) has been proudly proclaiming its own brilliance and self reliance. How funny.

So now my mantra is this.. Smaller and quieter.. 

I want to let this quiet part that knows to be allowed to draw me along the middle path. The letting go is essential because it will not draw me if I fight and scream and kick. It took me so long to learn.. I cry to think how long I held us back by holding on so tight to how things should be! 

Because you see, we all have this quiet part that knows inside of us, and if we let it, it will draw each one of us. Those people I love who are not as they should be (remember.. No way things SHOULD be), they can be drawn. But that is their story, not mine. I want to help? Release them. I hold them back when I hold on or try to drive. Even when I hold on just on the inside. 

Release, let go, be free to see what is. This is one of those secret inside works that is hard for me to explain.

Vegetarian Dilemma

Lately I have been thinking about Vegetarianism... I say lately, but I really mean I am always mulling it over in my mind. It is one of those hard questions that I refuse to give up on without truly understanding it. Felicity hates when Hayley and I talk about it because she is convinced that we hate animals, but we don’t. We are just trying to deeply explore all the different ways of looking at things without being for or against any particular view.

First off, I eat meat. Right now. It is what we grew up with, and meat is nutritious, and our ancestors only survived to be able to give us this chance at life by eating meat. Humans are omnivores.

A lot of people choose not to eat meat because they feel that it is wrong to kill animals. This stance only brings up more questions for me. Is it wrong to kill animals and eat them? Lions do it.. Is it wrong for them? Actually, in the wild ALL animals are eaten. They are killed by predators, disease, starvation or age, but something eats them all. It would seem that in the natural world all life depends on death. That makes me wonder, are we to be considered a part of the natural world? Are we something apart from it?

If we are a part of the natural world, then I suppose there is nothing wrong with killing an animal and eating its flesh. This brings up interesting feelings. Hard feelings maybe. Death is a hard one for us to ponder. It is another one of my hard questions.

So, are we, or are we not a part of the natural world? I sort of think we are, but different somehow. We have a choice, and we have an ever evolving mind that pulls us this way and that. We are also different from all the other animals in that we seem to have released ourselves from the life and death constraints placed on everyone else. We can protect ourselves from predators, disease, the weather. In some ways maybe we are not exactly a part of the natural world after all. We have insulated ourselves from it.

So, perhaps maybe, if we are not a part of the natural world, but outside of it in some way, then perhaps different rules apply to us.

Then there is this question I have about feelings. Why do we have such strong feelings of compassion for our prey when placed face to face with it? It is unusual I think. I doubt very much that eagles or crocodiles shed tears for their victims. It is interesting.

I think of a story where maybe our minds have a purpose for this. Perhaps our minds, deep down in there, understand more about what is going on in our world then we realize. Maybe this sentimental mentality is not just a misplaced cultural artifact. Perhaps we have adapted to have this weakness when it comes to killing because we secretly understand that this way of eating meat, the way we do so to excess, is not good for us, is not good for our planet, and is unsustainable.  Maybe we are putting road blocks up for ourselves to help us slowly shift to a different path.

I don’t know. I rarely find the answers.. just more questions.

How Babies are Made

So, we have inside of us these things called brains. Our brains, like the rest of our bodies, begin to grow inside of our mothers. Our cells differentiate and our organs develop in response to the cues we get from the flow of chemicals and hormones circulated throughout her blood. 

What kind of mind and body we get to start out with is determined by the complicated dance between our mother's internal chemistry and the information encoded in our DNA.

Our brains, unlike much of the rest of our bodies, is still not finished developing when we are born. Our mother's chemicals can still influence us through her milk, but at this point in our development what influences us the most is input from our environment.. Most importantly from our mother.

There exists inside of each mother and child a beautiful automatic response system that has evolved over millions of years to perfectly orchestrate the final stages of human brain development ( when it is working properly).

When a baby nurses, it's sucking produces a cascade of hormones that not only creates a good feeling for both mother and babe, but also strengthens their emotional attachment and fosters the correct chemical environment for optimal infant cognitive and physical  development. When a baby cries it triggers a hormonal emotional response in it's mother (interestingly this response is triggered most strongly in its own mother) to pick up the child, hold it close.. Soothe it. This response triggers more of those optimal hormonal states in the child.

It is so important that we do our best to give our children the best start in life because how their brain develops determines how well they will be able to meet the challenges of life. If we neglect our job at the earliest stages of life we can end up leaving them with brains predisposed to addictions, learning disabilities and other difficulties later in life.

Who knew that simply loving your child can have such a profound impact!

The good news is, even though we may not have started out with the ideal brains, we will always have the opportunity to improve. Brains can change!