I am so proud and thankful for this man I share my life with.
He has taken all the knocks that life has given him, and all of his choices and coping strategies that wanted to consume him, and faced them and transformed himself into something truly amazing and wonderful.
I wish that I could say that I had something to do with it... But no, it was all him. At times, it was even despite all of my "help", and not because of it.
I thought maybe if he could just believe the right thing, try the right treatment, talk to the right people, drop this thing or that thing, just listen to me, I know what's right.. It wasn't until he told me one day that he wished I would stop driving the boat, that I listened and I saw what I had been doing. His life, his boat. I was trying to take his power away.
His way was not my way, but as it turns out, it was his best way. Through an ongoing cycle of analysis and improvement (as he calls it), he has brought himself out of depression, addiction, unemployment and some pretty tough mental health issues to a place of happiness and great success. I have watched as he has brought space into his life. It seems like the things in his life that tear him down and hold him back have just fallen away and given room for the things that build him up.
I stand in awe of what I have seen accomplished in his life. When I think of our girls and the difficulties that they now face, I take comfort in the fact that I have already seen the worst things can possibly get, and I know that if he can find his way out, so can they.
This is my greatest place of confidence to stand on as I think about the big changes about to happen in our lives. Our girls have been struggling so much in themselves, in school and in their lives. Every day they wake up exhausted and drag themselves to school. There they struggle, feel like failures, don't have much success, then come home exhausted.. Too tired to do the things that build themselves up. Too tired to take very good care of themselves. Too stressed to sleep properly. Then, we do it again the next day. They are coping.
It reminds me of when the man was struggling with chronic pain and addiction. Every day we had to just do whatever was needed to prop him up so that he could go to work so that we could have what we needed to survive, and the cycle would continue. It wasn't until he lost his job that things started to change. It was so hard, and I didn't help very much, but when I began to trust him, and stopped resisting his process, I began to see amazing things happen.
When I look at the girls and I really listen to what they are saying, I hear that they hate school, that they want to do better, but that school is too much for them to carry. I hear that school is getting in the way of what they want to do with their life. When I look inside myself I hear that they need space, and they need me to trust them.
So, even though I am terrified and I don't know what I am doing exactly, we have chosen to homeschool the girls after this school year is over. Our school (hopefully) will not be a school that tears them down, but one that builds them up...
A school that heals
http://schoolthatheals.blogspot.ca/
@schoolthatheals
