What I learned about anger (this time)

I think in the end (of this particular cycle) I have learned a thing or two that I hope I can take with me.

I learned that (for me, and in this instance) my anger was really a diversion to keep me from looking at my fear. Trying to look at my fear was a very interesting experience after I finally got past the fear of looking. It started to fall away in layers. I'm angry because I'm afraid, but no I'm not really afraid of this, it's because of that.. But no.. Not really that, but this other reason. I was afraid and angry in so many unexpected ways and at so many unexpected people.

At the centre of all of those layers, though, is just one thing (I am about 80% sure). It is that I know what I am being called to do, and I am afraid that I will not be able to do it.

The thing that I am called to do is to love (completely, unconditionally and without judgment) and to give my best self to every experience. My fear is that I cannot. But I also know myself well enough to know that I am too stubborn to give up. I also know that if I keep trying, and keep having compassion for myself, and with grace, I can't help but improve over time.

The other thing I know is that I have a lot to be thankful for...

I am extremely thankful for beautiful friends who, even though I was angry, did not respond with anger or defensiveness, but actually took the opportunity to work on themselves. They showed such maturity and grace, and it has the possibility of spreading ripples of goodness into the lives of so many people.

I am so very thankful for my courageous family who were able to allow me to work on myself without judgement and without allowing my moods to destabilize their own, (and with so much love and understanding) . They have inspired me to try and notice when other people might be working on their own things. They have shown me what it looks like, the kind of grace and support that people need in that space.

I hope I can keep learning and growing in this way. I am very grateful!

Forgiveness

I wonder if forgiveness is so illusive because we are looking for it to be something, when it is really the absence of something.

Swing with me

I imagine it like a ball hanging from a string.  You are born, someone pulls it back, and you start to swing. It's perpetual motion, this swing, it won't stop until your last breath. You might like it to just stop there in the middle or perhaps somewhere exciting at the top, but it won't.. It doesn't stop. That's the nature of this life.

Some people are lucky enough to have a small swing. Not much disturbs them. Maybe they're not that curious about anything outside their swing though. They like things as they are. A fine way to be.

Some people swing wildly all over the place. They have a hard time making heads or tails of their life. Their thoughts and emotions drag them all over; sometimes to places they don't want to go, and sometimes to places so high that they can't seem to get down. They are often trying desperately to slow down this crazy ride or even just find a way to get off, any way they can.

Most people fall somewhere in between those two. But all of us swing.

Some of the driving motion of the swing is the momentum of the parts of our daily life. The hunger to fullness swing. The rested to tired swing. The nature of the feelings themselves also. What goes up must come down, and then back up again. Sometimes we take drugs that we think will help us better manage the swing, but we forget that what goes up must come down (as high as it goes up, so as low it must go) and we are worse off then before.

To swing is our nature. The trouble is, we try to control it. We think, "things should not be this way"  or  "I really want things to be like this forever". We try desperately to push away on one end and hold on tight and don't let go at the other. These ideas of how things should be, and our preferences and addictions throw our natural swing into a big mess.

To top it off, we try and control the swings of the people next to us (and they try to control our swing). After all, their swings affect our swings too. We lock ourselves into crazy patterns that we do not want and tie ourselves up in horrible knots just trying to make things right.

You know another great way to describe an up and down swing like that? A wave. So many things in our universe are described as waves. Up and down we go. Add in the wind and the rain and the rocks to crash against and you have quite a storm.

It feels very much out of our control, and it is. It feels very scary, but don't panic or flail. That's a good way to drown. First, remember that you can float. If you relax you can rest on top of the waves. If you pay attention and learn the feel of the waves you might even be able to stand up and ride them. It's the biggest of the breakers that are the best for surfing.

To Heather.. Re. Anger

(a letter that I sent to a friend,whose little ones I am learning from. I think it is relevant)

As I'm sitting here, in my little rut, seathing with anger every time I dare open the door of my thoughts, I realize that I only gave you half good information today.

We spoke about anger being for a reason, and you said that it shows us something that needs to change, and you were right. The thing I am wondering is about what it is that needs to be changed.

We automatically think that something about the thing that made us angry is what needs to be changed, and perhaps this is true, but I wonder if maybe the anger is pointing at something else that needs to be changed. Something inside of us.

I have this situation right now (and I'm pretty sure it could be any situation. It doesn't matter) that I am carrying so much anger about that it is impacting my ability to do life. I think about it a lot. I have a lot of good points. I'm sure that they are very important and right. I am right to be as angry as I am (I tell myself).

I know right now if I tried to "deal with it" I might get my way, but I would also almost for certainly hurt some feelings, perhaps destroy some relationships (at worst), but I will have gained nothing.. I will have learned nothing.

This is because my anger is really there because I'm afraid. I know this. And the reasons are complicated, but the result will be.. If I get my way.. The fear will have won, and it's power will be stronger. Before I act, and before I speak, I must understand why. I must see it clearly because if I understand what is really going on I may discover a better way to make things right. I might find a way to understand things so that the fear doesn't have to win.

If I don't, the cost is that I live with more fear and this will keep happening until I learn for real.

So what do I do? I have no idea. But what I am doing right now is making myself sit with it, just like how I allowed Hunter to sit with his disappointment about the toys today until he could move on.. (It took him about 90 seconds) so far all I have learned is that if I stick with just the sensations of being angry it will dissipate pretty quickly, but the trouble is that I keep thinking about it, and thinking makes it worse and never stop.

So far that's all I've learned, and I still don't know what to do, but I'm hoping I can keep this up until something really great comes to me.

OK. Thank you for listening to my ramblings.

The chapel

Our castles in the air are not a bad thing. Our thoughts are not a bad thing. Like most things in life they are neither bad nor good. They just are. They're not real, they're not bad, they're not good. Sigh, how comforting.

I like the analogy of castles on the air. It's a good story. I like thinking about how it would be to put myself inside someone else's castle and look out the windows from there. They might see a different view. Maybe a better one. Maybe their behaviour might make more sense if I understood that the beautiful garden I keep asking them to join me in looks like a dark and scary swamp from the window they are trying to see it through.

Oh hey! So that situation I was all up in arms about.. I don't feel like I learned much about that situation one way or the other. It came and went like the wind or a wave on the sand. Which is maybe teaching me something. Without the regular resistance there was a much less stressful and shorter experience. So, there's that.

What I do feel like I learned about was my own castle in the air. I noticed that after setting my catapults to ready, what normally happens is that I retreat to this chapel I have set up. A room with a monument to my being right. A room with no windows to the outside, completely surrounded on all sides with a wall constructed out of fear. I know this chapel well. I think I used to spend a lot of time in there. What I do in the chapel is worship this monument with mantras of fear. "this is not right", "things should not be this way", "I am a victim", "I cannot do this". Chanting louder and louder and faster and faster until something demands to be done. That's when I usually let fly the the catapults.

This time I noticed. I noticed that the chapel was not a holy place (like I thought it was). It's more like a panic room. (I wonder if panic rooms are not maybe rooms to alleviate panic, but rooms for panic to grow stronger.. As it is for me here). I noticed that surrounded completely by walls of fear I was unable to see what was really going on. All that I could see clearly was fear.

When I chose to leave the panic room, and exposed myself to what was really going on (without judgment), all of the fear and mantras kind of evaporated. They left, I think, because they were not a true reflection of what was actually going on.

Interesting.

I am interested to see what more I can learn about my castle of ideas. Looks like I have some renovations to do.

Castles in the air

Nothing that I write down here is truth.

Thats simply because of the nature of mind and the nature of truth.

The only thing I can ever express in this way here is thought. It's kind of like building castles out of air. It's a fluffy representation of my perspective at this place in time.

Trouble is, I believe everything I think, like it is truth. I fall in love with it. I roll around in it. I build my castle and surround it with a moat and set up my life in it and fight to the death for it.

I'm not sure why it's like that.. But that what seems to be.

I have an opportunity in my life, right now to test this theory of castle. I have the catapult ready to fire at a situation I see coming over the horizon. I don't think it matters what it is, but I think if this happens it's gonna be bad.

I have noticed that the castles greatest defence is this way of self fulfilling prophecy. My castle says people don't like me, and for some reason my behaviour after that makes it hard for people to come close to me..  Feels like they don't like me. Know what I mean.

So.. To test my theory of castle. I'm going to lay it down. I see you coming.. You scary situation. I'm going to see my castle. See it very well. Hi there. You are thought. I'm going to choose to lay down judgement. I'm going to choose instead to be. Just to be. I'm going to give my best self to this whole day. (good thing it's only a day. Anybody can just do a day)

I wonder what's going to happen. I have no idea anymore :-)

May I please have your attention one more time?

Silly me! I was so excited about the second part that I forgot what was exciting about the first part!

Giving the little ones your attention, and allowing yourself to become attuned to them is not just for survival, oh no!

You know that part about the second part that I wrote first. The part where we need to correct our false stories. Well this is the part in the little ones lives where these things are created! This is where they start learning about who they are!

So, when they look at your eyes and you are looking back at them you are saying, "I see you very well! You are important".  They are saying, "look at me! Watch me jump!"  and you are saying "I see you very well.. You are strong and adventurous!" when they are are asking a million questions and you look at them and hear them and work on answering them together you are saying, "your thoughts are important, your curiosity helps you to learn!"

Also, when they make a wrong choice, or cause someone pain or suffering or anger.. We can look at them and sit with them and help them to see it very well.. And then tell them that this is what is, but it does not change that you are loved.

You is smart, you is kind, you is important.

Or, you know, we get busy and get angry and get annoyed. And then we say to them, "you is wrong, you is bad and you is not important"

We are not perfect (have compassion). And so the other great part is that when this inevitably does happen we can show them something else. We can ask for forgiveness. We can explain. We can show them.. Sometimes people are distracted... Sometimes people are having a bad day... Sometimes people get too busy... And none of those things has anything to do with you.

Maybe we can show them about compassion too. Compassion for me and compassion for you.

Have I got your attention?

Excuse me for taking so long to figure this out.

But I finally understand...

The reason that they are trying desperately to get our attention, to have us look at them is so that we will see them. They need to be seen and experienced.. WE need to be seen and experienced. Because we need to be known.  They need (we need) someone to be attuned to us.

When they are young it is vital to their survival. They need someone to understand what they need because they can't understand or articulate it themselves yet.

As we grow I think the need becomes deeper though. Different than just survival. We need to be known so we can be helped, for sure. But also.. The process of attunement with others and the greater world around us forces us to see where we have created false assumptions, and incorrect stories about ourselves and our reality.

This is bound to happen.. These inaccuracies. After all, we have only one perspective (ours), and we are often being offered incorrect information to work with (the inaccurate perspectives of others). However, we can help each other. With atunement to different perspectives we can triangulate a more accurate picture of ourselves and what is.

This process can be very uncomfortable. And we often mistake this discomfort as being because of another person's problem. "This is their fault, if only they would see things the way I do.. " but then we will miss it. We can always be the ones to learn,and we can always be the ones to benefit too. It takes courage and great compassion (and always non judgment) but not too much effort. Just allow it to happen.

And now, with this awareness.. I must allow it too.