Mindtrap

This is how i feel right now, today.
Depressed. Alone. Devoid of value.

I'm not sure if I feel this way because I started thinking this way, or if I am thinking this way because I feel this way.
I think it started with the thinking actually. I was thinking about how afraid I am to be myself. (not that I even know what that is). I mean.. I was thinking about the filter that I always have on before I say or do anything, and realizing that I am probably not being my genuine self because of it. But then I was thinking about how I probably do need a filter because of how selfish and uncaring I can be deep down. This made me even more sad. Because I want to not be that person. I want to be the beautiful helpful person who people want to share their tine with, but instead I get to be human. Poor me.

I did see something inspiring earlier that I would like to come back to. It was about giving and receiving. Like.. How one should experience (in your interaction with people you care about) receiving (a touch, a glance, a kind word) and giving (all of the above) both seperately and yet in the same moment.

Ah, there it is.. I remember now. You got me again ego..with your thinking and believing. I remember that there is so much in the experience of now that can be useful in bringing me back out of that ugly place (if I am willing to let it). If I really care about being that kind of person I want to be, doing something as simple as experiencing giving and receiving will make that happen more quickly and thoroughly than any thinking could ever do. I think it is called mindfulness.

Hopefully i can just avoid the mind traps in the future.

Supernatural

I have recently come to realize that I no longer believe in the supernatural. I think instead that all of everything is completely natural. It is just that we do not understand the mechanics behind all of our perceptions and experience.

Throughout history humans have made up stories to explain the things they did not understand, that's all. Through these explanations people found comfort and a kind of framework that they could use to work with and manipulate forces that they did not understand very well.

Unfortunately, these stories have also often been used by powerful people to control the weak.  And also, it is often difficult for people to let go of their stories when new information comes to light.

There is still so much in this world that we do not understand. I really want to engage in the full experience of this life and I am wondering how to go about this. I am wondering if we need to drop the stories all together and just become more quietly aware, observing the experience of every moment and letting it change you. Or perhaps if we place our minds into these existing frameworks that we have created there may be more yet to learn.