Mindtrap

This is how i feel right now, today.
Depressed. Alone. Devoid of value.

I'm not sure if I feel this way because I started thinking this way, or if I am thinking this way because I feel this way.
I think it started with the thinking actually. I was thinking about how afraid I am to be myself. (not that I even know what that is). I mean.. I was thinking about the filter that I always have on before I say or do anything, and realizing that I am probably not being my genuine self because of it. But then I was thinking about how I probably do need a filter because of how selfish and uncaring I can be deep down. This made me even more sad. Because I want to not be that person. I want to be the beautiful helpful person who people want to share their tine with, but instead I get to be human. Poor me.

I did see something inspiring earlier that I would like to come back to. It was about giving and receiving. Like.. How one should experience (in your interaction with people you care about) receiving (a touch, a glance, a kind word) and giving (all of the above) both seperately and yet in the same moment.

Ah, there it is.. I remember now. You got me again ego..with your thinking and believing. I remember that there is so much in the experience of now that can be useful in bringing me back out of that ugly place (if I am willing to let it). If I really care about being that kind of person I want to be, doing something as simple as experiencing giving and receiving will make that happen more quickly and thoroughly than any thinking could ever do. I think it is called mindfulness.

Hopefully i can just avoid the mind traps in the future.