The Zen man that I have been listening to says that you cannot see your unconscious habits, because they're unconscious. The only way that we can get a glimpse of them is when we are projecting them.
I am delighted. I am excited. I am a bit fearful of what I will find.
I am delighted because I know I project.. So much. It feels terrible to judge and to feel these ways about people and to not be able to do much about it. It is so beautiful when the story can change and give purpose to these things. I can learn! I can grow! I am excited to see what is possible.. What will come next?
I am a bit fearful because my projections are so not like who I want to be. I remember how learning hard things about myself before has sent me reeling with depression. I should not fear though, remember, I have a better story now. Also, I have a lot more practice just sitting with and exploring what is. Just sitting is where the insight happens, remember.. Allowing what is to be. There is no need to "figure it out".
And I mustn't forget that I also have the remedies. When I find that there is envy the remedy is Than (and having joy for another). Where there is judgment the remedy is acceptance and compassion. Where I find anger the remedy is loving kindness (for myself and other)
The Zen man also says "Don't talk about other people's faults. Just look at your own self. Take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions and don't blame. Then you can examine yourself in a clear way, even if someone else is wrong"
Oh, and now that reminds me of something else he said. That we must "drive all blames to one". This is when something happens and we are having an unpleasant experience and we can maybe feel the anger rising and the blame start to form, we stop and we look at that. We feel the blame rising up in us and we sit with it, and we swallow the blame so that it doesn't form a thought in our mind or form words in our mouth.
I am so thankful that there is this space and direction to move into where I can learn and grow and take more responsibility for my thoughts and my actions and my experience.
I am so proud and thankful for this man I share my life with.
He has taken all the knocks that life has given him, and all of his choices and coping strategies that wanted to consume him, and faced them and transformed himself into something truly amazing and wonderful.
I wish that I could say that I had something to do with it... But no, it was all him. At times, it was even despite all of my "help", and not because of it.
I thought maybe if he could just believe the right thing, try the right treatment, talk to the right people, drop this thing or that thing, just listen to me, I know what's right.. It wasn't until he told me one day that he wished I would stop driving the boat, that I listened and I saw what I had been doing. His life, his boat. I was trying to take his power away.
His way was not my way, but as it turns out, it was his best way. Through an ongoing cycle of analysis and improvement (as he calls it), he has brought himself out of depression, addiction, unemployment and some pretty tough mental health issues to a place of happiness and great success. I have watched as he has brought space into his life. It seems like the things in his life that tear him down and hold him back have just fallen away and given room for the things that build him up.
I stand in awe of what I have seen accomplished in his life. When I think of our girls and the difficulties that they now face, I take comfort in the fact that I have already seen the worst things can possibly get, and I know that if he can find his way out, so can they.
This is my greatest place of confidence to stand on as I think about the big changes about to happen in our lives. Our girls have been struggling so much in themselves, in school and in their lives. Every day they wake up exhausted and drag themselves to school. There they struggle, feel like failures, don't have much success, then come home exhausted.. Too tired to do the things that build themselves up. Too tired to take very good care of themselves. Too stressed to sleep properly. Then, we do it again the next day. They are coping.
It reminds me of when the man was struggling with chronic pain and addiction. Every day we had to just do whatever was needed to prop him up so that he could go to work so that we could have what we needed to survive, and the cycle would continue. It wasn't until he lost his job that things started to change. It was so hard, and I didn't help very much, but when I began to trust him, and stopped resisting his process, I began to see amazing things happen.
When I look at the girls and I really listen to what they are saying, I hear that they hate school, that they want to do better, but that school is too much for them to carry. I hear that school is getting in the way of what they want to do with their life. When I look inside myself I hear that they need space, and they need me to trust them.
So, even though I am terrified and I don't know what I am doing exactly, we have chosen to homeschool the girls after this school year is over. Our school (hopefully) will not be a school that tears them down, but one that builds them up...
Did you know that if you change the sounds associated with your body, you can change your perception of what your body feels like? There have been some interesting studies about this. In one they asked participants to tap two points on the table with their finger. The participants wore headphones so that instead of hearing the sound of their finger tapping on the table, they heard a slightly longer delay between the two sounds. Afterwards the participants were touched on their arm in two places. Those with the sound delay greatly overestimated the distance between the two places on their arm. To them their arm felt longer.
In another study they had participants put on "special" shoes. They were actually just normal shoes with headphones attached. Instead of hearing the sound of their feet against the floor, they heard the sounds with the pitch elevated. The participants reported feeling lighter, leaner and even stronger and more elegant.
This makes me think about how our senses are all working together to form a coherent sense of reality. It seems like maybe when we encounter something out of the ordinary our other senses quickly attempt to bring this information into the whole picture, even effecting other senses where there is no new information present. Coherence must be really important to our brain. I wonder how it works. I wonder if any and all of your senses can affect and be affected by this process.
I wonder about our thoughts in relation to this process. Sometimes I think our thoughts are a lot like any of our other senses, telling us information about the world around us. I wonder if they can affect our other senses in this way, all on their own, by changing. I wonder if they are being affected by changes in any of our other senses without our awareness of it.
What is mindfulness Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way,
On purpose In the present moment Non judgmentally. Dr. John Kabat-Zinn
On purpose Because we are intentionally choosing to be aware and devote our full attention to what we are doing in this present moment.
In this present moment Our minds habitually wander from one subject to the next stirring up our emotions and leaving us "zoned out". Our minds usually drift between thoughts of the past and worries or plans for the future. The present is the one place our wandering mind often avoids. When we become aware of our thinking we can notice where we have wandered to and gently bring ourselves back into the present.
Non judgmentally Non judgmentally, or acceptance, is the ability to be able to be aware of our experience without clinging to it or pushing it away. For example, we have an emotion, like anger, and we cling to it, mulling it over and over, allowing it to intensify and grow. Or, we might try to push it away... We feel bad about feeling angry, and then we feel bad about feeling bad about being angry. Instead we can look at our feelings (or thoughts or distractions or situations) as just what they are, being neither good nor bad, and gently turn our thoughts to our chosen point of focus.
Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), created by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, is an eight week program designed to teach people mindfulness mediation to help them cope with severe physical and mental health crises. This particular program has been studied for decades and has helped hundreds of thousands of people.
What is mind?
That is a good question!
If you ask a neurologist they might tell you that it arises from your brain.
Ask a spiritual person and they might say that the mind is really your spirit.
Some people might say it is your ego.
A psychologist who subscribes to the computational theory of mind would tell you that the nervous system is an information processing system and that the mind is the experience of the flow of information (electricity) across this system. (I really like this one)
For the purpose of mindfulness practice it is not that important that we know "exactly" what mind is, but it is sort of important that you know understand what I'm talking about when I am describing the practice.
So, when I am talking about mind, I mean that talkie talking, constantly wandering voice inside your head that we normally attribute to ourselves. The part that thinks and comes up with ideas.
There is another thing inside of you that is much quieter and doesn't normally talk to us with language. It is always paying attention and is much more aware than the talking mind, but seems to move at a slower pace. That's maybe the part that is noticing peoples expressions and body language, aware of the "vibe" of the room. Maybe this is the part that is aware, processing and reacting to the whole world around us.
And also, there is this other part that is quietly going about the daily upkeep of our bodies.. Maintaining homeostasis, making sure we keep breathing and that our heart keeps pumping. Keeping all of our various cycles moving along properly. Sending us the feelings and urges we need to be able to keep everything in order.
Now, I have described three different parts, and if I wanted to I could probably break them down into more parts, but it's important to note that you can't really separate any of it. Everything works together, effects each other and is affected by every other part. Not to mention every other part of the world. Everything is connected.
OK, so here's the super secret real reason why I'm so excited about mindfulness, and why I'm so excited that you are here today. All of these parts of us inside of us all have one job. They are all trying their best to take care of you, to watch out for you, and to help you to grow and adapt and live basically the best life that you can. The very best teacher you have for you is you. You are the expert on your own life!
When we develop enough space and quiet on the inside we can start to learn about ourselves from ourselves. It is a beautiful thing to see.
What I have noticed in myself, is that before my I began my mindfulness practice, I believed that my talking mind was who I was (and I believed everything that it told me). I believed that I possessed this body here (a body which I was not too pleased or impressed with), and that it was like a machine that I could do anything I wanted with. It didn't matter how little I slept, or how little I ate, or how much I did, "I" would not be affected. "I" could do whatever I wanted.
After many years of practice I gradually began to develop this awareness of what is going on in my whole mind, all the parts of it. I'm starting to be able to tell where my different thoughts, feelings and sensations are coming from and why they are there, so that I can look at them in the most appropriate context, and take much better care of myself. It's confusing when you can't tell if you are, tired or stressed from work, or hungry or reacting to a fear that you developed when you were three.
When I began to learn how to be present in my relationships I began to learn so much more about (and from) the people in my life. Right now I am learning a lot about how being present, and really paying attention to the people I'm with can change so many things.
Why should we practice mindfulness? Mindfulness can help change our relationship to the experiences we have every day. So much of our stess and suffering comes from our thoughts about what has happened to us and our anxieties about what could be. So often we find ourselves troubled about what we think other people are thinking. Our fears, anxieties and worries often prevent us from simply experiencing our beautiful lives. Our thoughts about what other people think steal the joy out of our relationships. Our tendency to re-live our pain over and over and over again, magnifies it's intensity and stands in the way of our healing.
A mindfulness practice can gradually, over time, create space in our thoughts, giving us the ability to be objective. Changing our relationship to our thoughts changes everything.
How mindfulness effects the brain
Scientists have studied the brains of people who meditate and found... - Increased grey matter in the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC). (Contributing to self regulation.) - Increased grey matter density in areas of the prefrontal lobe (which controls planning, problem solving, and emotion regulation) - Increased cortical thickness in the hippocampus (responsible for memory and is very susceptible to stress) - Decrease in the size of the amygdala (the fight or flight center) - Decrease in activity in the Default Mode Network (DMN) (the monkey mind)
This is very exciting news. Just by looking scientists can tell what is going on in there by where the changes in brain shape are.
Setting up your own mindfulness practice
Reasons why we don't think we can
- I don't have time - it's true that life can be so busy that it's hard to imagine how we can add even a single thing. But did you know that mindfulness actually gives us time? Have you ever been driving home when you mind starts to wander and all of a sudden you are home and you have no idea how you got there? Zoning out with your wandering mind seems to make time go by super fast. Mindfulness and even just paying attention to our breathing is an excelent way to make us more aware of each moment, making out time seem like more.
A meditation practice doesn't have to take up much of your time (maybe as little as ten minutes to start), but it is important to practice daily. Deciding on the same time and place is a great way to turn it into a routine and a habit.
- My mind is too busy - a common problem. In fact, even people who are expert mediators have to contend with the monkey mind. That is simply just the nature of mind. In a mediation practice it is not the goal to clear the mind. The thoughts are going to come and go, and it is our job to simply allow them to go by without fighting them or getting caught up and carried away with them. When we realize that we have been carried away we simply note what's going on (maybe say... "Thinking") and gently return our mind to our breath. Each time we catch ourselves and bring ourselces back to the breath, think of it as being one Rep (like in lifting weights). The more reps, the more work you are doing. Your busy mind is what will help you to get the most out of your practice.
- It's boring - true, at first there is not much excitement in listening to your breathing, especially in this society where we are so used to being busy and entertained. We sometimes have this aversion to sitting quietly. That's one reason why it's a good idea to start with a short amount of time. You don't want to become discouraged. However, over time the silence ceases to be as boring. You might even crave it. And, as you begin to recognize and enter into different states of mind, you might find it surprisingly interesting.
- I'm not a good enough person - sometimes when we look at where we are in life right now it can seem impossible to get to where we want to be. Maybe we can't even imagine the steps we might take to get there. Fortunately, meditation only asks for you to breathe and try and notice when you are distracted. It meets you exactly where you are.
- I might have to give something up or forgive someone or something like that - maybe we have this week just don't want to let go of (or think that we can't). Not to worry, it is not a requirement that we be perfect. Meditation will not ask you to put down something you don't want to (or can't) put down. I have noticed, though, that over time, some things have a way of just falling away when you least expect them to.
Yoga and mediation
- Yoga goes hand in hand with meditation. It is said that the entire purpose of yoga is to prepare the body for meditation. As you begin a meditation practice you will notice how it also deepens your yoga practice. It really does turn into a moving meditation. I like to begin my morning meditation session with a few sun salutations for two reasons, first, because it helps me to wake up my body, and keeps me from falling back asleep. Second, it helps to open and relax my body which helps me to have an open and relaxed mind.
- Beginners mind. One of the tricky things about a meditation practice is that we can often get in our own way with our expectations about what should or shouldn't happen. Every time we sit we should sit like it is the first time, without judgement or expectations, that way we leave ourselves most open to whatever is about to happen.
- Effort and surrender - a meditation practice requires a balance between effort and surrender. We use effort when we set aside a time and place and the intention to meditate even though we may not feel like it. We use effort to continually, patiently bring ourselves back to our point of focus no matter how many times we wander. Once we begin our mediation we surrender to whatever may happen. We allow whatever comes without judgement. We meet each experience with acceptance.
- Setting up your space - you can meditate anywhere you like, but some people (myself included) like to create a special, calm and quiet place, set apart from your everyday life. I use incense because I like how it adds to the atmosphere, but you don't have to. There is also something special about meditating outdoors. Where ever you choose, try to find a place where you won't be disturbed and a place you feel safe and calm.
- Noting thoughts and following the breath - now for the technical part. How to meditate. Sit comfortably, cross legged on pillows, or sitting up in a chair with your feet on the floor. Sit up straight but comfortably. You can keep your eyes open, but most people find it less distracting to gently close their eyes. Take a few deep breaths and then allow your breath to return to normal, in by the nose, out through the nose. As you sit, try to pay attention to your breathing. Notice the sound, or perhaps the rising and falling of the belly, or maybe notice the feel of the air as it flows out of your nose. Some people like to count each breath because it is a bit easier to stay focused. Maybe begin by feeling yourself inside your body... Feel your connection to the ground or the chair. Do a body scan, starting at the top of the head, slowly scan down through your whole body, noticing what each individual part feels like. Now, return your attention to the breath. Allow your thoughts to rise and fall on their own in the background. Whenever you realize that you have been caught up in your thoughts just note to yourself, "Thinking", and then gently start to pay attention to your breathing again. That's pretty much it. Maybe choose to meditate for ten or even five minutes to start. Continue to practice like this every day. This is a long term practice like yoga. Think about how long it took your mind to get into the state it is today. Change (unfortunately) does not happen over night.
- Mindfulness meditation - when you have become proficient at watching your breath and noting your thoughts you might like to try something different. With this meditation you move your awareness around in a few different ways. It gets a little abstract at times (asking you to feel or notice things that you wouldn't normally think that you could, but just go with it and see where your awareness takes you). Begin by taking a few deep breaths and closing your eyes. Feel the weight of your body. Feel your breath going in and out (this is breathing) use your attention to notice the different parts of your physical body. (This is body, these are hands, these are feet, this is skin, this is hair, this is blood, these are cells, this is space inside of the body) inside the space inside of body we find many things. Ask yourself inside of yourself, what is going on inside the space in body. Try not to search for an answer, just ask, and wait, and see what bubbles up. When you get an idea, just note it.. Comfortable, note comfortable, Pain, this is pain... Itchy leg.. Note it, and go back to your breathing. now expand your awareness to your emotional body. Ask yourself inside yourself again, what is floating around inside your emotional body. Wait for the answer. Note what comes up.. Feeling happiness.. This is happiness. Feeling anger.. This is anger. Each time, notice, note and come back to the breath. Now expand your awareness to your mental body. Ask yourself inside yourself, what have you got floating around in there? Allow your thoughts to bubble up, each time noting. Thinking, planning, worrying, remembering. It's OK if you become distracted, just gently bring yourself back to your breath. Now expand your awareness to your light body. It is full of colour and light. Now imagine that you are surrounded by a beautiful golden white light. Now imagine this light beginning to fill you up. Once you are filled up to the top and bursting with light, notice an especially bright glowing spot right in the middle of you, right where your heart is. Go inside the light, deep down inside of it until you feel something solid and very real. When you reach that let it expand to fill your whole body. Now bring your awareness back to the sensations of being in your body. Bring your awareness back to the sounds inside of the room. Now open your eyes when you're ready.
- Vsualization - - visualization is a very cool mindfulness tool. Sports psychologists use visualization all the time to help professional athletes improve their performance. This works because your brain does not differentiate between doing something and visualizing yourself doing something. So, if you want to take a break and relax during your busy day, you can go for a walk in the woods, but your brain would appreciate it almost as much if you just imagined yourself going for a walk in the woods. Another interesting thing about visualization is how it can be used by the mind to directly effect the body. Like how you can look at a heart rate monitor and slow your own heart rate by simply trying to make the flat line between the squiggly lines longer. This is a sort of biofeedback. Or, you can use the visualization of filling your body with healing light to help jump start your immune system.
- Meta (loving kindness) meditation - practice and explain at the end - meta meditation, or loving kindness mediation is a Buddhist meditation used to help us develop feelings of loving kindness and compassion. It is basically the practice of sending your well wishes to people. First you think of three or four phrases that you would use to send your best wishes to someone. Something like.. "May you be well, may you have peace, may you have everything you need." Now, in your mediation space, imagine yourself. Send yourself these wishes.. "May l be well, may I have peace, may I have everything that I need." Next bring to mind someone you love, or are thankful for and send them your well wishes. "May you be well, may you have peace, may you have everything you need." Now imagine someone who you feel neutral toward, and send the same wishes to them.. "May you be well, may you have peace, may you have everything you need." Next imagine someone who you are maybe not fond of, or have a hard time with, and send them the same well wishes.. "May you be well, may you have peace, may you have everything you need." Finally send your wishes to everyone in the universe... "May we all be well, may we all have peace, may we all have everything you need."
Common obstacles that may come up
- sleepiness - a common occurrence. Beginning with yoga can help wake the body up. If you become sleepy every time it might be worth trying to meditate at a different time of day.
- Agitation and Discomfort with what comes up - One useful tool for building acceptance is to look at each experience with a sort of detached curiosity. OK, so I'm feeling angry, or itchy or painful... Where in my body is the sensation of this feeling? Does it have a shape or colour or texture? Does it change or move over time?
Mindfulness in everyday llife Meditation is the foundation of a mindfulness practice, but if you are really interested in changing your brain, the more practice you can get, the better. That's why it is a good idea, as you go about your day, to take little mindfulness breaks. There are a lot of ways that work. sometimes I might wear a piece of jewelry, and when I notice myself playing with it, that's my reminder to take a break, stop my regular thinking, notice my feet on the floor, feel myself inside my body, follow my breath for a few breaths, and then carry on with my day. This is especially helpful if you are trying to break some negative habits of thought. I used to have a lot of negative things I would say to myself without even realizing it. I made it my practice for a while, whenever I would hear he script starting in my mind, that was the signal for a mindfulness break. Those thoughts didn't take too long to fall away.
Simple mindfulness exercises
There are many other ways that you can practice mindfulness though the day that don't require you to sit in meditation. All of these things (and many more that you could come up with on your own, I'm sure) will help build strong, positive neuropathways that will help you to have a more balanced state of mind.
- breathing and being present (entering the Rigpa) - being in this present moment can be most easily accessed by noticing the sensations in the body. Try this.. Hold out your hands. Now imagine that your skin is like a glove and feel your hands from the inside. I like the Tibetan Buddhist word for this, Rigpa. It is like, spontaneous awareness. You can find the rigpa in the spaces in things. The space inside your body, the emptiness between thoughts, the silence between sounds. When you go about your day you can bring yourself into these spaces just for a few moments every time you think of it. It provides a lot of opportunities to cultivate more awareness.
- Thankfulness practice - I'm so excited about this practice! As we go about our daily lives, we have a finite amount of things we can think of or pay attention to. One of the fastest ways to change our thought life is to give ourselves so many good things to think about that we don't have time to maintain those negative thought pathways. Take your little Thankfulness journal everywhere you go. Write in it whenever you have space in your day. Fill it full of all of the blessings and good things in your life, and then start another one. Make a habit of being thankful. This method has been studied a lot, and Is one of the easiest ways to make a noticable difference in your thought life.
- Random acts of kindness, looking for beauty in the world - taking the Thankfulness project out of your mind and into the real world is another beautiful way to bring more awareness. Do random kind acts (and don't get caught). Go for a walk, or just sit in one of your usual places with the intention of finding beauty. It is amazing what you will see.
SOS mindfulness tools
If you feel your anxiety beginning to rise, try a few mindfulness exercises to help you relax.
- giving your brain the day off - if there are thoughts starting to race through your mind, bringing up worries and fears, tell yourself that your brain has the night (or morning or afternoon) off. Whatever the problem is you will be able to take care of it later, but right now, all you need to do is take care of yourself.
- square breathing -sit up in a comfortable spot. Notice your breathing. Now, instead of breathing normally, try to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4 hold for 4.
- Noticing with all of your senses - take a mindfulness break. Now, instead of just noticing things inside the body, notice things with all your senses. Take a good close look at the texture of a tree trunk, or the wood grain on your desk, or the quality of the afternoon light. Smell the air, what do you notice? Feel the breeze against your skin. Listen to the sounds around you. See if you can move your attention from one sound to another and another. See if you can notice the spaces between the sounds. - You are not really trying to stop the anxious feelings, but more to be aware and relaxed and allow the feelings to flow through.
A note about medical conditions. Miracles not withstanding, mindfulness is not a guaranteed way to cure any sort of physical or mental illness. For some of us, medication or surgery may be a part of our path. Three of the people in my little family are on medications, and I would never look down on them for that. They are helped so much by the meds. But, for whoever you are, wherever in life you are, there is always room to grow and strengthen and deepen in awareness. Just like yoga, mindfulness is known as something which accelerates healing, and that is a good thing.
Really, to key to all of this what we said at the beginning..
Pay attention On purpose In the present moment Non judgmentally
Headspace is a guided meditation appreciate to help keep you motivated and track your progress. It's good for people like me who like to collect gold stars. You can try it for ten days free, but it is a subscription based service.
These past couple of cycles were very strange for me. A lot of my old insecurities were coming back. I was feeling very left out of life and not comfortable around people. I was getting the idea that I still needed to be working on loving myself, because that's something I know that I should be, but I cannot really say that I am. That would make sense, right. I even asked everyone I know how they love themselves, trying to find out what I have been missing.
But, as I was listening to their stories and hearing about what they do... I could see that I was doing many of these self love and self care rituals that they were describing. I have been becoming very aware of what this body and this mind need and I have been treating myself with very great respect.
And maybe now as I'm writing this, I'm thinking about how love isn't necessarily always just a feeling but actions also. So in this way, I can definitely say that I love myself (at least by my actions and care that I take toward myself). I wonder what will happen as I move forward from here, just changing the story from, I don't love myself, to.. I do love myself. How funny. I wonder.
Anyways, I was still left with all of this self doubt and sadness. Was there something here for me to learn? Just feelings that are going to pass that mean nothing? Ah, but then I realized that it was not mine at all.
My girls have all been struggling so much, for so long. They all kinds of anxieties and self hatred, and sadness. They hate school and they feel disconnected from life. I want to help them so badly, and I'm trying and I can't. I blame myself for everything and I am desperately trying to find a way to just make it better. I don't know what to do.
What I have been doing, though, is taking on their pain. But it isn't mine to carry. I love them but when I carry their pain, I hurt myself and I don't help them at all. I don't know if it is related, but it seems fitting that my moon days were twice as long this month (something I must get checked out if it happens again). I was just holding on and unable to let go.
Once I realized that, those feelings were gone. I'm still so sad for them. I still love them and I want to help, but now I can help in a better way I hope.
Right now, the only way I know how to help them is to love them and to show them. I do this by taking care of myself and by being present with them. By holding space, and paying attention and really hearing them. Perhaps if I listen and pay attention we can learn more about what is needed here.
