The beginning

It's funny..

How sometimes one needs to come to the end of one's self

before real and lasting progress can be made

How, instead of hiding and avoiding the pain

or trying to turn the pain into something it is not

you might just need to feel it

and be afraid and angry

and sit in it until it changes your perspective

and it comes to it's own end

Right now I am watching that happen

in me

and in others

It is beautiful and terrible and amazing raw and real

I am amazed

Beginning Again

Being tired and busy all of the time has done something interesting to my mind.  Instead of being able to  go through my day mindfully aware of higher ideas at work, I have been reduced to looping thoughts about the situations (and people) in my immediate experience.  More and more often I have noticed that I am becoming fixated on mostly the negative aspects of my life.  And since my mind can only hold on to so much at a time, it seems to my mind that the negative is all that is.

I still remember though.. I remember that I think that is how the rest of the world operates, but that I do not have to be like the rest of the world.  I am starting to hear myself think that I need to DO something to fix the circumstances (and people) around me, but I REMEMBER that change must always begin with me if it is to be real.

I am bringing myself back to these pages to bring myself back to the source.  To remember all of my lessons with an open heart, not to carry out some formula that I have figured out in the past, but let it speak to me to build once again something new.  To let go of all of my fabulous ideas so that I can truly learn. To be remade.  Mostly, to get out of the way.. Be smaller and quieter so that I can be a tool of whatever it is.. Useful for whatever I am to be useful for.

So here I begin again.  To do some work here.