Hold On to Your Kids

I was recently given a book to read called "Hold on to your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers" by Gordon Neufeld. The premise of this book is that kids these days are having such a difficult time because they have placed their relationships with peers as the primary guiding relationship in their lives instead of their relationships with their parents.

I had a difficult time reading this book because right away I decided that he was mistaken. My children have all sorts of difficulties, but they have not made their relationships with peers their main priority. In fact, it would be fantastic for them if they were brave enough to develop deeper relationships with their peers.

As I read, though, I could see that he was describing something that does happen to people. I've seen it happen. That when people are in relationship and one person feels like it is becoming too difficult to keep their heart in that relationship they often choose to pull their heart out and put it in a relationship that feels safer.

It might feel hard for someone to keep their heart in a relationship when their expectations are not being met; not getting "what we need" in a relationship (especially if we feel like we have communicated those needs, and especially if it has gone on a long time).

Often people feel it hard when the relationship lacks responsiveness. This can happen when people are too tired or simply don't have the skills to be sufficiently present in a relationship. Maybe it feels like they aren't paying attention or they don't care about what we have to say.

One reason that children (and sometimes spouses) find it hard to keep their heart in a relationship is because a great deal of the conversation begins to be about what they "should" be doing. Especially with teenagers, when they are almost ready to be completely responsible for themselves and parents haven't figured out yet how to just let go and trust them.

So, what can we do when we see this happening in our relationships? I am exploring what happens when we choose to stay close instead of pulling our heart away. Putting down my expectations, choosing to be present and attentive (and compassionate and kind), and learning how to let go of control and trust more.

Seems pretty simple, and yet really hard at the same time.

You might be thinking.. That's right, my wife really needs to do this, or my kids. But that's the tricky part. This lesson is not for them. This lesson is only ever for me, for ourselves.

We cannot change people. Trying to change others will only bring pain to us and to them. We can change ourselves.. We can train our own attitudes and cultivate compassion in our hearts. This changes how we experience our life. 

Sometimes when we change it can create the sort of safe conditions that other people in our lives need so that they can begin to work on their own selves, but that should never be our reason for working on ourselves. Then we might be disappointed if they don't. It's just sometimes a happy side effect.

Love just because you want to.. Without expecting anything at all.. 

And let their hearts be free ❤️

Wisdom from the Zen Man

The Zen man that I have been listening to says that you cannot see your unconscious habits, because they're unconscious. The only way that we can get a glimpse of them is when we are projecting them.

I am delighted. I am excited. I am a bit fearful of what I will find.

I am delighted because I know I project.. So much. It feels terrible to judge and to feel these ways about people and to not be able to do much about it. It is so beautiful when the story can change and give purpose to these things. I can learn! I can grow! I am excited to see what is possible.. What will come next?

I am a bit fearful because my projections are so not like who I want to be. I remember how learning hard things about myself before has sent me reeling with depression. I should not fear though, remember, I have a better story now. Also, I have a lot more practice just sitting with and exploring what is. Just sitting is where the insight happens, remember.. Allowing what is to be. There is no need to "figure it out".

And I mustn't forget that I also have the remedies. When I find that there is envy the remedy is Than (and having joy for another). Where there is judgment the remedy is acceptance and compassion. Where I find anger the remedy is loving kindness (for myself and other)

The Zen man also says "Don't talk about other people's faults. Just look at your own self. Take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions and don't blame. Then you can examine yourself in a clear way, even if someone else is wrong"

Oh, and now that reminds me of something else he said. That we must "drive all blames to one". This is when something happens and we are having an unpleasant experience and we can maybe feel the anger rising and the blame start to form, we stop and we look at that. We feel the blame rising up in us and we sit with it, and we swallow the blame so that it doesn't form a thought in our mind or form words in our mouth.

I am so thankful that there is this space and direction to move into where I can learn and grow and take more responsibility for my thoughts and my actions and my experience.

An Ode to the Man

I am so proud and thankful for this man I share my life with.

He has taken all the knocks that life has given him, and all of his choices and coping strategies that wanted to consume him, and faced them and transformed himself into something truly amazing and wonderful.

I wish that I could say that I had something to do with it... But no, it was all him. At times, it was even despite all of my "help", and not because of it.

I thought maybe if he could just believe the right thing, try the right treatment, talk to the right people, drop this thing or that thing, just listen to me, I know what's right.. It wasn't until he told me one day that he wished I would stop driving the boat, that I listened and I saw what I had been doing. His life, his boat. I was trying to take his power away.

His way was not my way, but as it turns out, it was his best way. Through an ongoing cycle of analysis and improvement (as he calls it), he has brought himself out of depression, addiction, unemployment and some pretty tough mental health issues to a place of happiness and great success. I have watched as he has brought space into his life. It seems like the things in his life that tear him down and hold him back have just fallen away and given room for the things that build him up.

I stand in awe of what I have seen accomplished in his life. When I think of our girls and the difficulties that they now face, I take comfort in the fact that I have already seen the worst things can possibly get, and I know that if he can find his way out, so can they.

This is my greatest place of confidence to stand on as I think about the big changes about to happen in our lives. Our girls have been struggling so much in themselves, in school and in their lives. Every day they wake up exhausted and drag themselves to school. There they struggle, feel like failures, don't have much success, then come home exhausted.. Too tired to do the things that build themselves up. Too tired to take very good care of themselves. Too stressed to sleep properly. Then, we do it again the next day. They are coping.

It reminds me of when the man was struggling with chronic pain and addiction. Every day we had to just do whatever was needed to prop him up so that he could go to work so that we could have what we needed to survive, and the cycle would continue. It wasn't until he lost his job that things started to change. It was so hard, and I didn't help very much, but when I began to trust him, and stopped resisting his process, I began to see amazing things happen.

When I look at the girls and I really listen to what they are saying, I hear that they hate school, that they want to do better, but that school is too much for them to carry. I hear that school is getting in the way of what they want to do with their life. When I look inside myself I hear that they need space, and they need me to trust them.

So, even though I am terrified and I don't know what I am doing exactly, we have chosen to homeschool the girls after this school year is over. Our school (hopefully) will not be a school that tears them down, but one that builds them up...

A school that heals

http://schoolthatheals.blogspot.ca/

@schoolthatheals

Identity

I wonder..

What if im not an artist

I try but it pains me

For others it brings so much joy

And I wonder..

I know that I'm not an empath

I'm downright oblivious

But all these sensitive guys..

They are where it's at!

I'm looking down the barrel

Of my beliefs about my shortcomings

And I can see its not loaded 

But I'm curious

What exactly am I?

What am I even good for?

How will I know?

I guess I'll just keep practicing

Being whatever comes out of me

Until I maybe understand

What it is 

What it's for

Dear girl,

Why do you compare your life to the others?

You cannot compare emptiness to fullness..

No one else is being asked to be what you are being asked to be

(they are trying to be what they are being asked to be)

Dear girl,

Why are you looking around for evidence of who you are?

You are not the cause of all of this.. There are so many variables, 

maybe you do not ever get to know the cause!

You are empty

Look around for evidence of what is best to fill yourself with.

If love is needed

Fill yourself with love

If kindness is needed 

Fill yourself with kindness

If respect is needed

Fill yourself with great respect

If learning is needed 

Fill yourself with curiosity 

If trust is needed

Then be full of trust

Do not fill yourself with sadness

Because your life is not already full

What has all of this learning been for 

If not for this

...

Sometimes I'm pretty exhausted

A lot of times 

I look around and see all the people

Having fun

Being welcome

Being a part of something

But I can't get up

So, I guess I'll just have to hunker down

Build a little fire right here in this moment

Try to protect it from the wind

Hope it maybe grows

Who Are You?

What if..

When you wake up in the morning

Before you have your first thought

Before you do anything at all

You are the one

Looking out through those eyes

What if..

You are the one invited to this party

Sometimes the party is happening to you

Sometimes you are happening to the party

But everything in all of reality 

Is holding its breath

Waiting to see what will happen

All you ever need to do is show up