Hold On to Your Kids

I was recently given a book to read called "Hold on to your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers" by Gordon Neufeld. The premise of this book is that kids these days are having such a difficult time because they have placed their relationships with peers as the primary guiding relationship in their lives instead of their relationships with their parents.

I had a difficult time reading this book because right away I decided that he was mistaken. My children have all sorts of difficulties, but they have not made their relationships with peers their main priority. In fact, it would be fantastic for them if they were brave enough to develop deeper relationships with their peers.

As I read, though, I could see that he was describing something that does happen to people. I've seen it happen. That when people are in relationship and one person feels like it is becoming too difficult to keep their heart in that relationship they often choose to pull their heart out and put it in a relationship that feels safer.

It might feel hard for someone to keep their heart in a relationship when their expectations are not being met; not getting "what we need" in a relationship (especially if we feel like we have communicated those needs, and especially if it has gone on a long time).

Often people feel it hard when the relationship lacks responsiveness. This can happen when people are too tired or simply don't have the skills to be sufficiently present in a relationship. Maybe it feels like they aren't paying attention or they don't care about what we have to say.

One reason that children (and sometimes spouses) find it hard to keep their heart in a relationship is because a great deal of the conversation begins to be about what they "should" be doing. Especially with teenagers, when they are almost ready to be completely responsible for themselves and parents haven't figured out yet how to just let go and trust them.

So, what can we do when we see this happening in our relationships? I am exploring what happens when we choose to stay close instead of pulling our heart away. Putting down my expectations, choosing to be present and attentive (and compassionate and kind), and learning how to let go of control and trust more.

Seems pretty simple, and yet really hard at the same time.

You might be thinking.. That's right, my wife really needs to do this, or my kids. But that's the tricky part. This lesson is not for them. This lesson is only ever for me, for ourselves.

We cannot change people. Trying to change others will only bring pain to us and to them. We can change ourselves.. We can train our own attitudes and cultivate compassion in our hearts. This changes how we experience our life. 

Sometimes when we change it can create the sort of safe conditions that other people in our lives need so that they can begin to work on their own selves, but that should never be our reason for working on ourselves. Then we might be disappointed if they don't. It's just sometimes a happy side effect.

Love just because you want to.. Without expecting anything at all.. 

And let their hearts be free ❤️