These past couple of cycles were very strange for me. A lot of my old insecurities were coming back. I was feeling very left out of life and not comfortable around people. I was getting the idea that I still needed to be working on loving myself, because that's something I know that I should be, but I cannot really say that I am. That would make sense, right. I even asked everyone I know how they love themselves, trying to find out what I have been missing.
But, as I was listening to their stories and hearing about what they do... I could see that I was doing many of these self love and self care rituals that they were describing. I have been becoming very aware of what this body and this mind need and I have been treating myself with very great respect.
And maybe now as I'm writing this, I'm thinking about how love isn't necessarily always just a feeling but actions also. So in this way, I can definitely say that I love myself (at least by my actions and care that I take toward myself). I wonder what will happen as I move forward from here, just changing the story from, I don't love myself, to.. I do love myself. How funny. I wonder.
Anyways, I was still left with all of this self doubt and sadness. Was there something here for me to learn? Just feelings that are going to pass that mean nothing? Ah, but then I realized that it was not mine at all.
My girls have all been struggling so much, for so long. They all kinds of anxieties and self hatred, and sadness. They hate school and they feel disconnected from life. I want to help them so badly, and I'm trying and I can't. I blame myself for everything and I am desperately trying to find a way to just make it better. I don't know what to do.
What I have been doing, though, is taking on their pain. But it isn't mine to carry. I love them but when I carry their pain, I hurt myself and I don't help them at all. I don't know if it is related, but it seems fitting that my moon days were twice as long this month (something I must get checked out if it happens again). I was just holding on and unable to let go.
Once I realized that, those feelings were gone. I'm still so sad for them. I still love them and I want to help, but now I can help in a better way I hope.
Right now, the only way I know how to help them is to love them and to show them. I do this by taking care of myself and by being present with them. By holding space, and paying attention and really hearing them. Perhaps if I listen and pay attention we can learn more about what is needed here.
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