To Heather.. Re. Anger

(a letter that I sent to a friend,whose little ones I am learning from. I think it is relevant)

As I'm sitting here, in my little rut, seathing with anger every time I dare open the door of my thoughts, I realize that I only gave you half good information today.

We spoke about anger being for a reason, and you said that it shows us something that needs to change, and you were right. The thing I am wondering is about what it is that needs to be changed.

We automatically think that something about the thing that made us angry is what needs to be changed, and perhaps this is true, but I wonder if maybe the anger is pointing at something else that needs to be changed. Something inside of us.

I have this situation right now (and I'm pretty sure it could be any situation. It doesn't matter) that I am carrying so much anger about that it is impacting my ability to do life. I think about it a lot. I have a lot of good points. I'm sure that they are very important and right. I am right to be as angry as I am (I tell myself).

I know right now if I tried to "deal with it" I might get my way, but I would also almost for certainly hurt some feelings, perhaps destroy some relationships (at worst), but I will have gained nothing.. I will have learned nothing.

This is because my anger is really there because I'm afraid. I know this. And the reasons are complicated, but the result will be.. If I get my way.. The fear will have won, and it's power will be stronger. Before I act, and before I speak, I must understand why. I must see it clearly because if I understand what is really going on I may discover a better way to make things right. I might find a way to understand things so that the fear doesn't have to win.

If I don't, the cost is that I live with more fear and this will keep happening until I learn for real.

So what do I do? I have no idea. But what I am doing right now is making myself sit with it, just like how I allowed Hunter to sit with his disappointment about the toys today until he could move on.. (It took him about 90 seconds) so far all I have learned is that if I stick with just the sensations of being angry it will dissipate pretty quickly, but the trouble is that I keep thinking about it, and thinking makes it worse and never stop.

So far that's all I've learned, and I still don't know what to do, but I'm hoping I can keep this up until something really great comes to me.

OK. Thank you for listening to my ramblings.