A place to stand

I think I was digging to find the edges and shape and taste and texture of this existential dilemma we all face. Why is it that we end up in places that we can not stand to be, and yet here we must stand.

If we want to live and thrive on this planet, it seems like we must engage in the great exchange. Life always comes from death. Everything that lives dies and is eaten. We understand this intellectually. Mostly we look away, choose not to see.

Some of us cannot stand to be a part of the exchange, and so we abstain, and choose to eat only vegetables. I'm sure it feels much better to do so.. But I have to tell you, plants do feel pain. Not only do they electrically and chemically react to damage to themselves, but they also react to damage done to plants near by. They feel each other's pain. I'm sure this argument sways no one. We don't believe plants have sentience (yet), so it doesn't matter that we hurt them (right?).

Some of us understand intellectually that it is "okay" to kill and eat animals. It is the natural way of things, but we (rightfully I think) have a problem with cruelty. So we abstain for that reason, or eat meat only from cruelty free processes. Kudos!

This problem has been hounding me and pursuing me and I have been unable to escape until now. I finally see that I have missed the point. Maybe we all have.

This isn't really about how to eat.

This is about how to be. It is about how to stand in an impossible place and simply to be.

I thought vegetarians just didn't understand, but they do! I was wrong. Eating meat is maybe just exactly as horrible as they think it is. Being killed and eaten (cruelty free or not) is just as scary and painful as you would imagine it is..

But also, I think, eating plants is also not a way out. Having your living body ripped apart or cooked to death is just as horrible a prospect for them as it is for anybody.

But how then do we live? All of this intellectual struggle and taking a stand is so that we can find a place where we can feel like we are doing the "right" thing.. Making the "right" choices. In this situation we see "right" as "not causing suffering in order to consume the nourishment we need to survive".

But what if there is no "right" place? What if we have to stand in the place where we have to see all the suffering we cause and not look away or stand to the side and say that this is not for me. What if we are supposed to look suffering in the eye and say, "I see", "I'm so sorry", "I'm so thankful for all you gave up for me".

This kind of thinking is almost too much. We cannot bear this kind of burden. But we do. Every day in so many ways we cause the suffering of others. It isn't even just our food. Buy a five dollar t-shirt, recycle a smart phone, put gas in your car, put on makeup, turn the light on, drink a bottle of water, live in a house, the list goes on farther then I even know. All of these things directly and indirectly cause suffering.

I have this feeling that there is this other place to stand. Not the place of greed or uncaring that turns the blind eye of denial of suffering just to make it easier to keep more money in the pocket. Not the place of anger, sadness and resistance to what is, where we are in denial about the nature of things. This other place is like awareness and surrender and wisdom and respect all rolled into one. This other place is uncomfortable.. But we do not flinch from the discomfort, we sit with it.

One very important place to apply this might be in the choices we make in our relationships with people close to us. How often do we make choices that end up hurting the people we care about. Sometimes it's not on purpose, and we only realize after the fact that we have caused suffering. Sometimes it's malicious. We are angry or afraid and we act with the intention of causing suffering. Sometimes though, we have to stand in a place of awareness where we know full well the consequences of our choices, and yet we still must choose a choice which causes suffering.

I find that often, when I have caused someone I love pain, I react with defensiveness. Finding a reason to be angry, or a reason the other person is wrong, so that somehow I can feel like they deserved their suffering and I can avoid the pain of awareness. Now I am trying to stand in this uncomfortable place of knowing, with compassion for myself and the other, and just be, and accept this place for what it is. From this place there can be understanding and wisdom and learning and healing.

This place is different for each one of us because each one of us is different, and this is good. From this place of awareness we will all make different choices, and this is good. This is how we bring balance.

Maybe this place is not so different to you, and you already stand there. To me it is vastly different. It is the difference between standing in the right place, making the right choice (and feeling okay about things now), or standing without judgement and seeing that there are many, many choices. Each choice representing a vast array of causes and effects. Each choice my responsibility alone.

May you see very well, my dear ones.