Self help

I am very hard on myself. I hold myself responsible for just about everything. Lately I have begun to realize that I am holding myself responsible for my daughters illnesses.

At first I was being logical about it. I was very stressed when I was pregnant. Also, I had to work very hard when the children were young (well, the whole time really) and I feel like I did not give them the attention that they needed.
I was anorexic for a while and I know they noticed my preoccupation with how I looked.

At first I was telling myself that I was just being aware..  But now I feel myself believing (like a true fact) that I have been (and am now) a terrible parent.

It's tricky, those sticky thoughts. I used to believe I was fat. I probably wasn't.. But it was a fact in my head that was unshakable. I obsessed over it. Now, here I find myself again. It is exhausting.

The funny thing about these beliefs is that the more I think about them the more true they seem. I have been pondering my horrible parenting style day in and day out and it has not helped me to become a better parent. I think it may actually be making me a worse one. These thoughts are beginning to suck the joy out of my life and leave me with little energy. I'm tired.

I was thinking about my previous post the other day and I had an epiphany. I am not treating myself with the same kind of grace that I treat the other people in my life. I am not leaving space for me to be my best self at all. I am nagging myself and showing myself such contempt.

I know I have been being very hard on myself, and that I needed to forgive myself, but I couldn't figure out how. Perhaps I should be re-reading some of my previous posts and turning the mirror the other way. Perhaps I do know after all.