Letting go of Self

Today I learned that a dear sweet woman I know of will soon be moving (with her dear sweet husband) back to our fair city.  She is the mother of my best friend from growing up, and although I have not stayed close to her at all, she has changed the course of my life. 

At a time in my life when I was just beginning to understand the beauty and promise that the universe holds, and when I was beginning to get excited about who I was becoming and what I was learning, her words turned everything upside down. She said, basically, that it is all well and good to know ones self, but it is a far better thing to let go of self.

I had never herd this before. I was kind of let down. No, humbled. Because of course, she was right.  I had been swinging back and forth between self loathing and self worship.  I didn't know that there was another way. The Buddhists call it the middle path.

Standing on this middle path has become the steady place from where I look upon the world. I realize now that all those amazing thoughts I was having were not coming from me, but from the source.. From out there. I was just beginning to learn how to listen.  

It's easy, sitting inside and holding on to this self so tight, to feel so bad when you are offended or hurt. To be angry when things are not the way You think they Should be. But when there is no self.. The hurtful words can become useful information. You may not have know that you came across that way that time. Or maybe you will learn more about the moods and triggers of others. And you realize that there is no "way things should be".

This letting go of self is also my foundation of surrender. I realize now that I am so small. Too young and too short really :-) too young to have seen the long term. I am only just now beginning to notice my own cycles and starting to relax about things that happen and pass and happen again. How much more are the cycles of our lives, our planet, our cosmos? I will never know. Also I am too short. I cannot see how vast and wide is the universe. I cannot know how truly small and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. I cannot even see how much humility is in order.

When I see these things I want to become very still and quiet. I realize there is a part of me that has always known these things. Like an umbilical cord attaching me passively to all these greater things than I. It is this part that has always been sustaining and carrying me while my ego (my self) has been proudly proclaiming its own brilliance and self reliance. How funny.

So now my mantra is this.. Smaller and quieter.. 

I want to let this quiet part that knows to be allowed to draw me along the middle path. The letting go is essential because it will not draw me if I fight and scream and kick. It took me so long to learn.. I cry to think how long I held us back by holding on so tight to how things should be! 

Because you see, we all have this quiet part that knows inside of us, and if we let it, it will draw each one of us. Those people I love who are not as they should be (remember.. No way things SHOULD be), they can be drawn. But that is their story, not mine. I want to help? Release them. I hold them back when I hold on or try to drive. Even when I hold on just on the inside. 

Release, let go, be free to see what is. This is one of those secret inside works that is hard for me to explain.